So I (calmly) thought about it for a bit.  Then I realized something that made me want to immediately declare, “It’s 5 pm somewhere so how about a glass of wine?”  What I realized was, it isn’t a THEM issue; it is a ME issue.  The question I should ask is to myself:  “why is it that I have to get angry before I will make my needs a priority?”

 As I looked back over my own situations as well as those of my clients, I identified three ways that we put ourselves in this position:

1. We don’t clearly speak up for what we want.   If your immediate reaction to that statement was “I shouldn’t have to say it, they should know by now” this is the one that applies to you.  Many times we assume that our view of things is everyone’s view of things (granted ours is the right view but everyone else may not see it).  And, truthfully, even if they DO see it, they could be distracted by their own stuff.  When we don’t speak up, we wait and wait and fume until we explode with the clearly stated request.  At this point, our children/husband/boyfriend/employee usually has a deer-in-the-headlights look as they try to figure out what caused this outburst.  Bottom line:  we need to make a request, out loud, clearly stating what we want and, if appropriate, how we want it and by when. 
2. We are overly accommodating.  One of the greatest strengths that women bring to the workplace and the family is our ability to empathize.  However, we have a tendency to not only feel the other person’s pain, but also to do more than we should to make sure they HAVE NO pain.  An example:  a client of mine was overwhelmed by the role she played in her family.  She is a professional woman with a fairly stressful job.  Occasionally she would explode under the pressure and her sisters would quickly step in and help.  When I asked why her sister didn’t take on more of the duties on a regular basis, she told me about all the issues that her sisters have in their lives and how she didn’t want them to be over burdened.  Bottom line:  It’s not up to you to determine how much someone else can or cannot handle.  Have a conversation and put it all on the table—your expectations and limits as well as theirs—and come up with a fair, workable arrangement.
3. We don’t stick to the boundaries that we’ve set.  When I coach managers, I frequently say that one of the most important attributes for them to exhibit to employees is consistency.  The same goes for family, friends, and everyone else.  I have seen so many women (Okay, I admit it. This is my personal stumbling block) communicate what they need and want, come up with a fair plan and then, when things aren’t going smoothly or aren’t getting done, they step in and take over rather than reinforce the boundary they set.   Think about what that communicates:  your kids know it is their responsibility to keep their rooms clean.  However, when they don’t do it, you step in and take care of it because you can’t stand the mess.  You taught them a lesson, didn’t you?  Well, maybe.  But I don’t think the intended lesson was “if I don’t do it mom will”.  Bottom line:  check in with yourself periodically to ensure that the boundaries that you’ve set are still appropriate and that you are consistently sticking to them.

 Action Step:

Think of a situation in which you have the following pattern:  in control—overwhelmed—explode—back in control.  Ask yourself:  “Have I clearly communicated my needs OUT LOUD?  Am I being overly accommodating?  Do I set a boundary and then, little by little, take on more?   And men, some of this may apply to you but I’ve found that men usually speak up and are more likely to stick to their plan.  However, maybe there is a woman in your life that you could share this with.  Let me know what you discover.

I think the same thing is happening now only instead of a gloomy view from the window we have a gloomy view from our minds.  In fact, one of my clients started our call out the other day by saying, “Do you have any idea how many negative people there are out there??  I’m thinking I need to get new people!”  Of course, we have ample reason to feel gloomy-the economy, the….wait, I’m not going to list them all the bad stuff.  That will just reinforce it.  I think we need to focus less on the tragic and more on the magic.

My personal jolt of sunshine came this morning in the grocery store.  Walking through the produce section I heard someone call, “Judy, is that you?”  I turned to see a high school friend that I haven’t seen in I-have-no-clue-how-many years.  Aside from a little gray hair, she looked exactly the same.  But, more than that, she acted exactly the same.  When she saw me she jumped up and down (we were both cheerleaders so we used to do that a lot) and gave me a big hug.  She was beaming.  I felt like the clouds were parting, the fog was lifting and the sun was poking through.  We had a whirlwind of an exchange (she was holding up the check out line while she went to grab one more thing) and parted with promises of getting in touch soon.  Afterwards, I felt just how far I had to sink to get back to my ‘pre-encounter’ level.  Wow-what a wake up call!

Then I remembered a story that a friend of mine told me. Her granddaughter just turned 5 and, like many little girls now, had a Princess Birthday party.  In addition to all the girls dressing like princesses, my friend had her niece (who is 18) stop by as a ‘visiting princess’.  She was all dressed up and entertained the little girls with princess stories.  The girls were in awe.  The only tense moment came when the ‘visiting princess’ had to leave and all the girls insisted on coming out to see her horse-drawn coach.  Thinking that the site of a Honda Accord would not fit the image very well, my friend came up with some story about how she had to leave very quickly and could not have them escort her out.  The interesting thing is that the birthday girl did not even recognize her.  In fact, after the party, my friend fully expected her to put it together.  She never did.  She just talks about how special she felt to have a real princess come to her birthday party.

I guess some might say that she really did recognize her but wanted to believe in the magic more.  Or maybe, she believed in the magic so much that she really only saw a beautiful princess.  What are you seeing in your life?

I think it’s time for me to believe that I can still be that energetic, beaming cheerleader.  How about you?  What do you believe in more:  the problems, difficulties and bad news or the possibilities, the hope and the magic?  Remember you will see what you believe!

She and one of her neighbors have had a pretty strong difference of opinion on something.  It was one of those “neighborhood” issues.  I’m sure you know what I mean:  “I want shrubs not an ugly fence”, “I know you want a spotlight for security but it shines in my bedroom”-that type of thing.  Their difference of opinion was actually quite strong and their disagreements sometimes got pretty heated.  As a result, they weren’t exactly the best of friends.  In fact, they barely spoke.

The neighbor recently got a new car.  Jane looked out one evening and thought she saw the light on inside the car.  She called the neighbor and said, “I’m not sure I’m seeing this right but it looks like the light is on inside your new car.  I just wanted to call to let you know because I surely don’t want you to get up in the morning to a dead battery.”  The neighbor curtly assured her that since she has just gotten home the light just hadn’t gone out yet.

After about 20 minutes, Jane’s phone rang.  It was the neighbor.  “I just wanted to thank you.  You were absolutely right, the light was on.  If you hadn’t have called I would have had a dead battery come morning.”  Jane simply replied, “I’m so glad I could help.  After all, we are neighbors, I’m sure you would have done the same for me.”  After a short silence the neighbor quietly said, “Yes, yes, I would.”

When Jane first told me that I thought that was a very nice thing that she did and congratulated her for ‘taking the high road’.  However, over the next week I experienced just how difficult it can be to take the high road.  Since Jane shared her story, I have been “wronged” several times.  Minor things, to be sure but I still felt that whatever the action was it was clearly “wrong”.  In a flash, Jane’s approach jumped to my mind.  I realized how difficult it is to disagree with what someone does without being disagreeable back.  It’s not easy to respond with understanding and say, “I’m sure you would do the same for me.”

Why not try it yourself?  You may be surprised to see how many times you “fight” with someone in your head (wasting precious energy).  What would it take to accept that you disagree over one issue yet still respond with neighborly caring.